Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
