i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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