she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
