i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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