it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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