Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
