I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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