his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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