alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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