my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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