i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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