i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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