Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
