He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
