when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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