Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
