i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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