I faked an abortion last night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
