yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
