On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
