so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
