Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
