i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
