last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
