I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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