Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
These tits shall not be calmed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
