i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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