you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
not ubering you a puppy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
