Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
