The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
