If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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