woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
