he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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