I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Couch. On fire.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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