The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
