yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I just put wine in my tea
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
