I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Blood and glitter go together right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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