It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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