Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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