Plan B is the new Plan A
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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