Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have feelings that need drinking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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