I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
