This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
