Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
