Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
