I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
