I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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