Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
