I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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