you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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